I am returning from vacation so refreshed and relaxed. It's amazing that my anxiety has tapered to a halt and I really have had a real few days off. After working anywhere from 50-80 hour weeks this summer, it was much needed. I feel no regrets. None.
I woke without alarms for 3 days , I allowed myself an entire day in the sun, off of my phone engulfed in a novel (that has changed the trajectory of my life, Ill share more about that later.) with no worries in the world other than what would come in the next chapter. I ate whatever I wanted. I drank whatever I wanted. I spent time with the most important woman in my life (the very famous hero of my first book and my life, my Aunt Val) and conversed about wines, politics and all kinds of things that had nothing to do with any stress in my life. It was truly glorious.
In past experiences I haven't had the ability to completely shut off the work and worry part of my brain. Anytime I ever went anywhere I was constantly worried about what I should have really been doing. Or, I was away due to a company event or program that was actually more work than vacation. It can be exhausting, taking enough notes and photos and keeping up with new products launching and social media posts and messages. LIKE ITS NOT A FUCKING BREAK AT ALL. And My to do list is always miles long and I can chip away at it all day long and where the items I check off, more grow in their place. It really is never ending. Of course this life that I live I have chosen and worked very hard to make work. Its challenging and presents all kinds of obstacles I continuously have to hurdle. But I can honestly say, there isn't one thing I do that I don't love with my entire heart. I feel very fortunate to say that because, not many can.
This time I made a commitment to really BE AWAY. I chose to take a week off of B&B Fit Meals. I haven't had a whole weekend off in 31 weeks. The past 31 Saturdays and some Sundays I have mass meal prepped and packaged anywhere from 50-120 meals for my loyal beloved customers. I love B&B and have put my entire soul into it. While the fall and back to school season is quickly approaching, I have lots of work to do in developing a new menu and adding different options, which in turn will create a lot more work for me. But leaving for vacation, in the car on the way down the PA Turnpike I made a vow that I would not think about ANY of it. I vowed to NOT work on the new menu at all. (the items are done and decided, but the actual graphic part takes the longest, and well last minute Lucy over here hasn't even stared it yet.)
And I didn't. And, surprisingly I don't feel stressed about it at all. I know I'll get it done and it will be perfect. Because this unplug has given me an entirely new perspective and many revelations that are going to change my life drastically, in a good way.
My first revelation was: "I love me right now." and I really mean it guys. I have spent a few years self loathing my body. Since I left Beachbody and lost my beachbody I have really been harsh to my reflection. I have not loved the girl or felt beautiful at all. Sure there have been the few fat shamers and bullies but, fuck them. I haven't ever felt bad at some internet trolls control. But I really didn't love who I was on the outside. I would be disgusted and constantly compared myself to literally EVERYONE. Gearing up for this beach trip, I was worried. You know, when you go on vacation you see all body types and no one gives a shit what they really look like. They are happy and away from home and are willing to let it all hang out. But, there are always those few and sometimes many fucking perfect looking girls with their perfect hair and eyebrows and complexion and clothes on their perfect body... and it just makes you feel like shit. At least, it usually does me. Like even on my best, skinniest day in my best outfit, I could never pull off looking like these girls. So, naturally, today being slightly heavier and "happier" I knew what was in for it this trip.
We arrived to our hotel the La Mer Beach Resort and checked in at the front desk. Our room wasn't ready yet but we were given beach passes and were welcomed to go get set up with beach chairs and an umbrella. I went into the powder room to change into my one piece black bathing suit that covered my rolls enough to feel somewhat comfortable in out in the sun. When I changed I looked in the mirror and thought, you know what Britt, you look damn good. And I meant it. And I felt it. And the feeling never left me. I felt beautiful everywhere we went. On the beach, out to dinner, in line behind pretty girls, next to pretty girls on the beach. I felt like I was also pretty. Thats a first in my lifetime. I'm not sure what happened in that powder room, but I will take it. Sure I have weight to lose. I will be adamantly working on it as soon as I get home, but I am happy with who I am and where I am right now. Even at my thinnest I still thought I had 10 more pounds to lose, I nearly looked sick but still didn't see what I saw in that bathroom on Thursday afternoon.
My second revelation was: " It's okay that I can't do it all." This is an important one. I tend to take on the worlds problems and entirely too much work. I am a habitual creature who thinks I have to do "IT ALL". And, while I was away I realized that I don't. And it's okay that I don't. And I am no less of a person if I don't. What I need to focus on is me. Taking care of me. Doing thing's that better my life. I over commit myself because I have a hard time saying no and will always suffer from chronic people pleasing. But, I need. to. stop. Maybe I have to let some people down in the process to do so, but it's okay. Because this will ensure my mental health and well being and that is most important. In previous years, actually most all of them, I bent over backwards for everyone and everything but myself. Now, its all about me baby. Sounds selfish but everything I do for work and hobby is to serve others and well, I can't serve anyone from an empty cup. So, upon returning from vacation I am pulling the plug on several commitments that I just can't do. My focus is my professional work, my food business and getting fit. That's it.
My third revelation was: "It's time" I started my next book, I had thrown around some ideas, I had some outlines and just kind of pushed them aside. I felt as if my fire had been put out upon my return home last year and it has taken a long time to get it started again. I had a few sparks here and there and they have fizzled out. I have felt like social media has been a chore, and while I've been working so hard and so much to pay off this unwavering debt that my first project cost me. I haven't made much time for anything else. Debt, especially personal debt hangs over me, keeps me awake at night, makes me feel guilty for buying groceries and suffocates me 24/7. It has been my priority to get that completely paid in full by Christmas this year. That fire and excitement for life had just been tampered down to embers for 12+ months. I had felt like there was nothing else I had to give, but also I felt an urgency inside of my heart to keep sharing my message of hope. To finish what I have only just begun, or at least continue it. I am unsure that anything I do in regards to helping others heal through my writing will ever be done. There is always someone to shine light into. There is always someone who needs saving. But, I needed to focus on saving myself. Which I have. But now, I know exactly what I need to do, and I just need to do it. I need to pound the pavement with my finally completed manuscript and send it out to as many publishers as I can. If you are anticipating my next book, you will be waiting a while BUT, the new manuscript of Strength Personified has more things in it and a much different ending. The final chapter brings it all together. I am truly so very proud of it. YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE IT and I cannot wait to share it with you.
With all of that being said, the fourth and final revelation I had on vacation was that I am unable to ANY of the above without Jesus.
Here are some photos from my trip!
Thanks for reading and following my journey of SWF life. If you enjoy this blog please share with a friend.