First of all, let me tell you I am thrilled with the feedback I received from the first blog post. I am glad that many of you found it entertaining and truthful.
If you missed my introduction to The Diary of a 30 Year Old Single White Female check it out here. It was a good one, and explains a little bit about me as a human. Which is hard but important to understand moving forward.
Something I did not address in the first entry was my sexuality. Because, well...it doesn’t define me. I’m certainly not ashamed but I do not like labels. I mentioned a rant I did a few years ago on Facebook live that got quite a number of views. In that live I went on some sort of tangent about dudes sending dick pics and people judging me for dating both women and men. I then called myself a unicorn and well, the rest was history. Unfortunately for me, I didn’t know the urban dictionary of “Unicorn” and when I was avidly approached about “joining in some fun” I made the grave realization that..everyone at that time (that did not know me personally) thought I was a proud THIRD wheel in the bedroom.
What I MEANT by unicorn, is that I am different. Rare. I love glittery everything but also can scream to slipknot. I swear like a sailor but I enjoy disney movies and truly can tap into my inner child whenever necessary. I love bright colors in everything I have. I don’t ever purchase boring colored anything. For example, my box fan is bright purple and all my folders and clipboards for work are some variety of pinks and sparkles. Then there is the horror loving dark gothic side of me that gets to come out once a year during Halloween. My favorite movies are Grease, Dirty Dancing and The Nightmare Before Christmas and the entire Halloween series. I go from one extreme to the other. I have also been through hell and back and have risen from the ashes more than once. Maybe I should have said Phoenix. But, alas, I said unicorn.
And where did everyone’s head go? Straight down into the gutter.
So, please let me clarify. I do not have any interest in threesomes. I do not couple hop around in the night with chains and whips. I have never been to a sex club and don’t ever plan on going.
I am looking for one person.
So now comes the answer to the question that I often get.
“So don’t you date girls?”
I have yes.
I was engaged to one who I believed was the love of my life. She changed me in many ways and saw me through one of the hardest times in my life. I owe her a lot. She taught me a lot about who I am as a person and who I want to me. She breathed life into my cold dead soul and brightened up my world in so many ways. I loved her with every fiber of my being. But, it didn’t work out. I made a choice to venture off on my own and figure out who I was alone.
I then, fell madly in love with a man, who in turn didn’t love me back. I spent 8 months trying to be everything I thought he wanted and at the end of the day… He didn’t love me back. Those butterfly vampires… yeah thats where they came in like wrecking balls. On fire. With spikes. But again, you can’t force yourself to fall in love. You can’t help it either. There were many red flags and warning signs I should have paid attention to, but with those rose colored glasses on...I didn’t care. So, I take a majority of the responsibility in that. I like to remind myself that it’s never a mistake, but it's always a lesson.
My point of telling you about said man above is to share with you that I am not in fact a lesbian.
I am also not solely straight.
I believe the term they call us is: “Bisexual” - again I hate labels and would just be preferred to be called Brittany. But, if you must have a category to throw me in, it would be that one.
So it’s been 4 years since my last long term gig with another human. I have been a lot of places and met a lot of people. It seems like every time I meet someone that I could potentially grow fireworks in my belly for, they end up being swept up by another, not interested or well.. I guess just not interested. Which is fine, if someone isn’t interested in me, I am not going to waste my time crying about that. Onward and upward. Besides, I want someone who is obsessed with me. Because, I’m amazing.
Juuuust kidding. But seriously, I am over trying to shove round pegs into square holes. I am over playing games and swiping and hoping someone “picks” me.
I am busy. I’ve got shit to do. I don't have time for that. I am at the age where I want to know if we are doing this or not. (I see this meme floating around, and every time I screenshot it, heart it and share it on my instagram stories, because the accuracy is SO legit.)
I have made a huge realization recently and by me being so transparent here I truly hope if you feel this same way, it will help you too..
I realized that I couldn’t find love in someone else until I found it within myself, for myself.
I spent a long time hating who I was, trying to be someone I wasn’t to please others, trying to fit myself into a mold I didn’t belong in because I was mostly ashamed of who I was. I never thought I was interesting, or funny, or smart or worthy of love. So I never received it.
I used to be that girl who would argue with someone who gave them a compliment.
Someone would tell me they liked my hair and instead of saying “Omg thank you!” I would say “Omg it’s awful and dry. It looks like shit today. Are you blind?”
I kid you not. I was that asshole. And sometimes I will catch myself starting to do that again and I really have to actively work at stopping myself.
My point here is, you cannot find love on the outside until you find love on the inside. I had to do some serious internal work and have had to be “awoken” and go through INTENSE coaching to fall in love with myself. So when I said above that I was amazing… I really did mean it. I have worked hard to become who I am today and while I’m flawed as hell.. I’m pretty fucking great. That’s not being cocky either, its being kind. To myself. Something I had never really done until I discovered personal development in 2014.
Because there is a lot of truth in this quote:
“You cannot fall in love with another person until you fall in love with yourself.”
See, while I piss and moan about being single, it truly has been a gift. I have been able to open a lot of doors, experience many things and really find myself. Sure it gets lonely but like I said in the last entry, I would rather be alone than be with the wrong person.
So anyway the cliff notes version of this entry is:
It’s okay to be different and like what you like. It doesn't have to make sense to anyone but you.
Unicorn doesn’t mean third wheel sex partner. (Not to me anyway.)
Love yourself first before you seek the love from another.
When someone gives you a compliment, just say thanks.
I really don’t know why I didn’t start this sooner. I am kind of really loving this. If you are too, I would love to hear your thoughts. (Shares appreciated!)
Find me on instagram too! -> @TheBrittanyCooley
Until next time,
Brittany, BSW, SWF