Allow Me to Introduce Myself

July 8, 2019

 

My name is Brittany. I am a 30 year old single, white female. (I add in white only to make fun of myself because I am the epitome of a basic white girl. Singing spice girls in my underwear dancing around my apartment like a fool, PSL drinking, infinity scarf wearing, Ugg Boot loving basic white girl. In no way shape or form am I racist or making this about race. This is about making fun of myself. The fact that I have to add this here is sad, but I know there will be SOMEONE who points a finger.) 

 

I’ve never been married. I have no human children.

I have a 3 year old 110 lb Cane Corso mastiff named Brutus which is treated like the prince he is.

I have all of my teeth but one. (Root canal gone bad, it’s in the back you can’t see it)

I’ve never done drugs. 

I drink on occasion, and when I do, I typically make it count. 

 

I mostly feel like a fish out of water, black sheep remixed country rap EDM song which makes no sense, but… describes me perfectly. I have walked a different path and had some pretty intense experiences in my short 30 years on the planet.

I am wired a different way than most, and I totally understand that I AM A LOT. 

 

Speaking of a lot, let me fill you in on all that I do. It nearly gives me anxiety when someone asks me: “So what do you do?” or “Where do you work?” 

 

Well get out your notebook because you will likely need to take notes. 

 

I work per-diem as a, therapeutic case manager and health assessment specialist in psychiatry in a local hospital. I waitress at a Diner. I run my local area’s first and only Fit Meal Prep and Delivery service (B&B Fit Meals). -If you are local you should try! I’m basically amazing in the kitchen. 

I also run social media bootcamp’s and teach instagram for Direct Sales / Network Marketing peeps. I just started CrossFit and fully intend on going for my L1 before the year is over so I can coach. I sling pure therapeutic ketones and am a wealth of knowledge about the keto diet and will be a certified nutrition coach in October.

 

Say that 3 times fast. I bet, you can’t.

Don’t worry, I can't either. 

 

The most important thing I do over all, is share my story and spread hope and awareness around mental health and suicide prevention. I survived a very serious suicide attempt in 2012 and since then have worked very hard to help others avoid making the same nearly fatal mistake that I did. Last year my book was published: Strength Personified: A Personal Story of Tragedy to Triumph which details my painful traumatic childhood with my paranoid schizophrenic mother and all that lead up to my attempt 7 years ago. I travel and share my story to colleges and organizations and someday hope to have the ability to do so full time. Hope is my jam. Surviving and thriving is my jam. I want to help everyone I can live a better life, no matter what they have done or experienced. 

 

Yeah, I know. A LOT. I am a lot. Which is intimidating to most.

(So I've heard)  I am busy. I am hard working.

I don’t make excuses and I’m not lazy.

(Don’t get me wrong I can totally blow a whole day on Netflix and suck down a six pack every once in awhile but it's mostly after I have put in over an 80 hour week and finally find a partial day off.)

But at the end of each day my biological clock ticks louder and tumbleweeds float across my hopes and dreams of finding love. 

 

I am surrounded by friends, peers and colleagues that are happily married to the love of their lives with 2.5 children and picket fences. Or they are madly in love and sharing every single barfy kissy post on social media counting down to their wedding day or first baby. I can’t help but feel sorry for myself sometimes. 

 

Let me be CLEAR!

 

1. I am very happy for those sappy folks and my love struck friends.

2. I realize that social media is the highlight reel and most definitely not real life 95% of the time. 3. The grass is NOT always greener on the other side. I KNOW. 

4. The purpose of this blog is NOT to gather empathy OR dates. 

5. Being alone beats the hell out of being with the wrong person. I would take SWF life over a miserable one any day. 

 

I am here to share with you my thoughts and experiences as I go through life as well, a 30 Year Old Single White Female. Because we are few and far between these days, and I feel like this could get REALLY entertaining. I am also starting this blog because my second book is HIGHLY anticipated and HIGHLY not finished and won’t be for some time. I have heard that there are a few people who really enjoy my writing and that is such a compliment.

 

I love to write.

I love to connect to people with my writing and most importantly help people feel like they aren’t alone.

Struggles happen and it's OKAY to be human. It’s okay to be 30 and single.

 

We will all find our way.

We all have a purpose on this planet and I truly believe there is another human for everyone, EVEN myself. 

 

And maybe, just maybe, someday I can change this to “The Not so Single White Female” - like I said hope is my jam and THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE. 

 

So now that I have the introduction to this new masterpiece of mine out of the way and we are on the same page ish, it’s time to get personal. 

 

I know what it’s like to love someone so much it hurts.

We have all had that one person. 

Every nerve ending stands up when you hear their name or see a photo of them on Facebook or see that stupid fucking green light next to their name in messenger. It doesn’t matter how much time passes.

Once you get a whiff of a memory or make contact via text message, you are sucked back in to what you “think” you cannot live without. You dream about the happy ending you would have with this person and want it so bad that it makes you physically ill each day that passes and it doesn’t happen.

You cry yourself to sleep many nights under many moons because you believe you need their love to complete you. You know you are pathetic.

You feel the desperation coming out of your pores but you can’t control it. It owns you. He or she, owns you. 

 

When THAT person chooses someone else over you or says “I don’t love you. I’m not in love with you.”

 

...well it’s the worst kind of pain.

 

It makes you feel a kind of hurt and loss inside of your stomach that you cannot describe.

The butterflies die and turn into vampires and eat you from the inside out.

It's worse than any physical ailment you’ve ever had.

I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

It takes months, years, maybe even a decade to get over and it will always be tender no matter what you do.(Unless you find your true love of course, they should take away that hurt and create some kind of “THEIR LOSS” mentality. Again with the whole so I've been told bit.)

 

On the flip side, I also know what it’s like to have someone worship the ground you walk on and go to the ends of the earth to see you smile and would gladly give up all they had to make you happy for just one hour, and you just don’t feel the same.

 

You try.

 

You know they would be good to you and for you.

 

They look good on paper.

 

They are attractive.

 

They have great morals.

 

They would be loyal and kind and do whatever they could to make you happy, but THAT feeling, like the one I described above...just isn't there.

 

And you wait for it to grow and you try to water it so it grows and you want to love the person back that loves you so much...but you just can’t. It’s just not there. You just don’t have it inside of you.

There are no fireworks inside of your stomach when you see them, you can go days and not hear from them and be completely fine, you are unaffected by their emotions and often wonder if you are in fact a monster.

 

It’s torture to those of us who are people pleasers and need words of affirmation to feel love.

We want to please them.

We want to love them.

We want to make them happy, but at the expense of our own happiness?

No. I'm not. 

 

When you have been to the depths of darkness like I have, you won’t settle for good. You won't ever settle for anything. You are in search of greatness in all areas and won't stop until you find it. 

 

That doesn’t mean you won't feel discouraged at times. Or, a majority of the time. 

 

Yes I feel discouraged quite a bit. Especially considering the options for us single folk these days. 

 

Swiping 

 

Don’t get me wrong, I admit to having been on most all of those stupid fucking apps.

Because I do believe there are a few people who have met their “someone” on them.

I have heard many share stories of being OVERJOYED that someone “Swiped Right” and the rest was history.

Does it make my eyes roll into the back of my head so far that I can see my brain?

Oh definitely.

If I am anything, I am honest.

Maybe a little bitter too. 

 

But good grief.

The amount of people who are looking for a “third” and looking for a “hookup” outweigh those of us who are looking for someone to binge watch Netflix with and maybe go hiking and get ice cream. 

 

When you think you might have actually found a “good one” you end up discovering that they have a weird foot fetish and want you to send them your dirty underwear.

 

So, needless to say, I am off Tinder, Bumble, POF etc. 

 

SNAPCHAT

 

I am telling you what, If snapchat didn't have funny filters for me to laugh at I would delete that shit completely. 

I can not tell you how completely fed up I am with grown ass men wanting & sending “pictures”.

I did a rant a few years ago on Facebook LIVE about appendage photos.

My views have not changed. NO. ONE. WANTS. TO. SEE. YOUR. PENIS. STEVE! OKAY?

(Steve is not a real person, he is just a name to make a point so don’t go super stalk and try to find him.) 

On the flip side of that one, IM NOT SENDING YOU SHIT EVER SO DON'T EVER ASK.

My biggest pet peeve is “Hey send me a pic” and then me rejecting it and then

“Oh I just meant of your smile or your pretty face.”

DUDE. NO.

 

Guess what? There are about 5K photos of my “pretty face” on Facebook you can screenshot, save to your camera roll and look at whenever you wish. You will not get a “special” photo from me OF me, ever.   

 

More recently I have been asked if I had snapchat and unfortunately said yes and added a person to receive a weird blurry nipple pic. Like, WHAT THE FUCK. I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU. AND THAT IS THE FIRST PICTURE YOU SEND ME? No. BLOCK. DELETE. BYE. CAN’T. WON’T. 

 

I personally feel like I am worth much more than that. 

 

I’ve heard the bit about my standards being too high, but I refuse to lower them when we are talking about exchanging bodily fluids and sleeping next to someone for an extended period of time. I don’t think anyone should ever lower their standards for anything. If you want something, do whatever it takes to find it.

 

It will be worth the wait. (So I have been told.) 

 

There is so much more I have to say...but I have to sign off for now. 

 

I will be sure to share more interesting struggles of being a 30 Year Old Single White Female each week. 

 

If you liked this, please share. I really want to make it a thing. 

 

If you too are a single female in her 30's let's connect. 

 

I am starting a club and we are getting jackets.  

 

Xo,

 

Brittany

 

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