Hello friends. My last entry was probably the hardest thing I’ve shared with you to date. My heart was hurting in so many ways. I rawly expressed my disgust and anguish with what I had learned. And let me be clear, I do not regret it. However I did take it down because despite everything I’ve experienced, I did not want to cause damage to my husbands career. However his reputation, I did completely demolish. There was so much hatred spread about him like wildfire. Although it was only up for a brief amount of time, it spread quickly and my site got the most traction it had ever in its history since its been published live in 2014.
Quite frankly, it makes me sad. It makes me sad that more of you are more concerned with gossip and shit talking someone than my actual messages of hope and life experience. It’s truly disappointing that so many people would support my demise over a triumph. Which, is why I’m writing this entry, as I’m sure it will do just as well because everyone is asking me that million dollar question. “WhAt ArE yOu GoInG tO dO?!”
Well as I’ve made it everyone’s business although it is not at all, I’m here to tell you. And hopefully repair some of your points of view regarding my family.
As I had shared, yes my husband has a problem. I knew of it before he left for the military. I knew of it long before that. However I was in denial. I didn’t want to believe it nor could I handle it being quickly pregnant with him. I loved him so much I had hoped it was a phase or maybe just all lies that someone was framing him. That was easier for me to comprehend. That was then, this is now.
I felt so betrayed and devastated. I felt that all my dreams were dead. I felt like I lost a piece of my soul that I would never get back. I felt alone. I felt worthless. I felt less than. I felt like something was wrong with me. I felt like my whole life was a lie.
But it wasn’t. Because life is only 10% of what happens to you and 90% of what you do about it.
It has been a long, hard, exhausting 5 months since he has left. Between being a new mom, basically being a single mom, going back to work full time a month early I was tired before I even woke up. If I slept of course. Since March when things came to light, it’s been that much worse. So much crying, and heartache, and DRAMA, and arguing and being spied on and just plain fucking angst... it’s truly been one of the more trying times of my life. And if you know me and my story, you know that’s saying something. Mentally, emotionally, physically just completely drained. I felt as if I have nothing left for anyone.
Guys I honestly don’t know how I’ve made it. My friends keep telling me, well because I’m Brittany Cooley, strength Personified. It’s more like Strength Personified on steroids. Which I was not signing up for. I literally laid on the floor under my table and cried multiple times. I didn’t feel very strong then, but I do now.
Let me interrupt this entry to thank my dear friends for carrying me quite literally through this time. Without shouting them out completely there are 4 humans that I love endlessly that have put up with more bullshit from me than I ever would. I am eternally grateful for every single moment they’ve given me, love they’ve poured into me, and pure faith they have had in me when I had none in myself. You know who you are. Thank you a million times over to the moon and back. I’ll never be able to repay what you’ve done for me during one of the worst times in my life. I’ve felt love that I didn’t even know existed and it kept me going.
Bria has also given me so much strength. When I wanted to give up, she kept me going too. I know that I am on earth to be her mommy and be the very best one there ever was. She gives me purpose. She has taught me truly what love is. Everytime she looks at me all my pain disappears and I just feel love. Which is the best medicine for a broken heart.
Now comes the fork in the road.
On the left, we have the path to choosing to work on my marriage and family, keeping us together and moving forward as planned. Moving to Panama City Florida and become the newest family on Tyndall AFB. Ocean breeze, salty air, the good life. A clean slate. Which also means, leaving the best job I’ve ever had that I’ve worked a decade for. It means leaving my family. My work family, my friends family and my family family. It’s uprooting and sacrificing so much to go somewhere new, just the three of us, not knowing a soul. Yes, that scares the living shit out of me.
On the right is choosing to stay here. Keep my job, and continuing to live the life that I love so deeply now with so many I deeply love. Where I am safe and protected and secured. But also where I have to bend over backwards, work two jobs just to get by, go through hell trying to figure out visitation for Bria. Constantly being worried and stressed out about working and taking care of her and trying to just survive but not be able to spend time with her like I want to do. It would also mean probably divorce and court and bringing out the most ugly in all parties involved. Yes, this also scares the living shit out of me.
I’ve flopped to both sides back and forth pretty regularly for the past 3 months. Pros and cons lists miles long. I’ve had many sleepless nights, which as a new mom is normal but I’m very lucky and Bria sleeps great. (Well she did until last week, but that’s another story for another time)
Which choice is right? I don’t know. But I’ve got to pick one. And I’ll never know unless I choose one and see what happens.
Will I ever be able to trust my husband again? I don’t know. But if I quit, I’ll never find out.
Since everything has come out, he has made many changes. He has acknowledged he has a problem and is taking the steps necessary to correct it. He has done every single thing I’ve asked of him. He has genuinely showed me that he does love me, he loves Bria and he wants to try to work things out. He has put forth a huge effort, one that at first I never thought he would do. I almost counting on him failing and that is complete shame on me.
If I stand for anything it’s second chances and forgiveness. It’s who I am to my core. Who the hell would I be if I didn’t have a second chance? Or in some cases a 5th or 6th chance? Who the Fuck is actually perfect? No one. Not my husband. Not me. Not you. Well, except for Bria. But that’s besides the point.
If I were to walk away now... and When Bria is 16 and asked me “ what happened with you and dad?” I honestly couldn’t tell her I tried and gave it my all. I would have to tell her that I quit when things got hard. I would have to tell her that I gave up on our family. And I simply cannot do that. I am still Brittany Cooley. And I am no quitter. And she will not be either.
I will stand for what I deserve. Absolutely. We have a long way to go. For sure. Is it going to be easy? Hell no. It’s going to likely be the hardest thing we’ve ever done. But we are going to try. Because to me, my family is worth that. Brandon is worth that. Because I do love him. And while I’ve gotten paragraphs from many people saying how “people like him don’t change and they will ruin your life” I’ve gotten a few messages saying “ Hey this happened to us and we got through it and we have so much happiness and love now.”
I will say that I was absolutely heartbroken for the dozens and dozens of women who messaged me saying that they were going through the same thing or had gone through the same thing. It made me realize that, it’s not just me. I wasn’t alone. So I want To share this for those who have been shamed for staying when everyone told you to leave. Even if it didn’t work out in the end for you, because honey you tried and gave it your best. And good for fucking you. I applaud that.
I’ve also received many less than kind messages saying that I need to get right with God. There is a reason why I’ve left my faith, and it has a lot to do with people like that. I keep my beliefs to myself, I do not practice any religion because of that reason.
So, I’m choosing forgiveness. I’m choosing to work hard for something I want. I am going to stay with my husband. I will be moving to Tyndall AFB Panama City Florida within the next 12 days with him and our beautiful daughter for a fresh start and an all new life. I know he loves me. I know he loves Bria. I know that he wants to be a great man for both of us. And he has taken many steps towards being that person already.
I will not tolerate anyone bashing this decision. I will delete and block you with no questions asked. I will not tolerate anyone bashing my husband. Because as I have said no one is perfect. He is many great things. He is the The newest graduate of the United States Air Force security forces. He’s completed one of the hardest programs in the Air Force and came out with a leadership role. He is a fitness guru and nutrition expert. He is NASM certified in nutrition and fitness. Together we survived a fast pregnancy, Covid pandemic, completely insane drama, marriage and nearly 6 months apart. I think we can survive this too. Most importantly he is a father that loves his daughter and cannot wait to raise her and watch her grow.
I take the blame for airing my “ dirty laundry” and making this everyone’s business. Maybe I shouldn’t have done it the way I did but I’m hoping to somewhat help repair my husbands reputation. He will be home Saturday and I hope if you see him you are kind, supportive and proud of him. I just want to be happy and enjoy life and be a really great mommy and wife. If you support me you have to support my family. And Brandon is my family. And I’m very proud of him and love him very much. I don’t truly believe 2020 fucked me, I believe it put me exactly where I am supposed to be.
While leaving my beloved life here behind is one of the hardest things that I’ll ever have to do I know that on the other side of fear lies freedom. And as we all know, freedom isn’t free.
Thank you for being here and your support in advance. I’ll always keep it real with you. && if you are one of those Susan Karen’s that are just waiting to say, “ I tOlD yOu So” , I’ll pray for you because waiting for someone’s demise and gloating in it makes you the absolute worst kind of person.
All my love, light and strength,